Thursday, October 18

I CAN'T SLEEP

That's why I'm here, tapping away on the keyboard, currently I have one of those heads that's full of thoughts and questions. It's the kind of head that won't shut up, won't let me sleep, won't stop badgering me. I could grab a jazz cigarette and try and soothe myself into slumber but the associated paranoia would make me think I'm gonna have a heart attack or some other stupid ailment. I wish it were easy to switch off sometimes, especially when love is involved. Love, its that elusive thing we all desperately search for, we're told from an early age that it's the be all and end all. Some internal soul searching on my behalf leaves me wondering if love just brings pain and upset in the long run. Love may be the stuff of Hollywood movies and romance novels but in reality it's a pain in the arse. I've thought I've been in love a number of times but the relationship breaks down or never even gets started and with time you look back at it and think...well what the hell was that?

Is it just infatuation? Is it just lust? Is love a big fat lie? Do we convince ourselves we are in love simply because we feel a connection with someone? Are we that dependant on the love of another that we seek it out and place it on the shoulders of the first person who shows any interest? Once upon a time I was "in love" with anyone who gave me the time of day. Ok let's clarify that, I don't mean anyone with a wristwatch and the ability to tell me where the big hand and the little hand was situated, was immediately a potential victim for my stalking or anything. I mean if a guy showed enough interest in me to say hello or even talk to me, then that was enough for me to cling to. Pathetic huh? Thankfully that was when I was in my 20's. Now I've found the real thing, it truly is the be all and end all of romances, the kind of love that floors you and makes you wonder what all those other times you were in love meant. They seriously pale into insignificance in comparison to what I've found.

But here is the problem, this love isn't mine to enjoy, because the person I'm in love with is already taken. How much can someone be in love with you when they already spend most of their time with someone else? How much can someone be in love with you when they continue to stay with that person and put you on the back burner? How much can they really love you when they don't really explain why they have to be with that person even though they swear they are no longer in love with them and are more friends than lovers? How much time will I spend hoping, waiting and wondering when things will change? After the one you love with all your heart, continues to let you down and push you aside to look after the feelings of the one they are already with, how are you meant to feel?

I know how I'm feeling. I feel stupid, I feel like I'm annoying, I feel like I'm not important, I feel like I'm wasting my time, I feel like I have been discarded and trodden on. I also feel hopeful, nervous, overly keen and a little bit desperate. Lots of these feelings are completely fucked, but they are part of what makes us into the person we are. So where am I left? I have an immense love for a guy, but no faith that the love I have for him is really returned. I have amazing love to share but no trust that the one I want to give it to will ever meet me half way. How do you trust someone who spends all their time with you lying to the one they are already with? What is so open about an open relationship if you are keeping secrets the whole time? Can you build a trusting relationship with someone like that?

I fucken hope so, that's the incredibly sad thing, after all that has happened, I'm still clinging to the hope that this will sort itself out. I can't explain it but perhaps love truly is blind. My closest friends have faith that this guy will come through but as time goes on I have more and more doubts. It's unbelievably difficult to be so in love yet feel so betrayed at the same time. It hurts my heart and a weaker person would no doubt throw themselves in front of a bus or dish out a tirade of abuse but neither of those things are in my nature thank fuck. I mean seriously, how can you hate or resent someone if you are truly in love with them? That's the ultimate question. Here I sit...

alone...

wondering...

waiting...

When will my turn come?
When will I be good enough?
When will I be the one?
When will he be mine?
When can I truly call this my LOVE?